Monday, September 19, 2011

Fresh Wounds, Part 3: "I will be OK."

Read Fresh Wounds, Part 1: "I allowed her to control me too much..."
And Fresh Wounds, Part 2: "I was making choices for myself."

The Back-Lash
Not talking to my mom had a really negative effect on me.  I did not even know it was happening at first.  I was falling into a depression.  I was grieving the loss of my mother, and my best friend.  She was dead to me.  We were not speaking at all for the first time in my life.  I can not remember a time we went more then 24 hours without speaking.  I was now pushing 2...3 months.  It was really hard on me.  There were little things everyday that reminded me of her.  It was hard not to pick up the phone and call her and just talk like we used to.  I did not want to do that though because I was talking to a lie.  I missed talking to my mom that was my best friend but in reality that never existed.  Every time I talked to my mom I realized she had a motive or a plan.  But I was still grieving.  A lot.

This lead to fights with my boyfriend.  I would get angry over the dumbest things.  He wouldn’t put his dish in the dish washer and I would end up crying.  I should not have been crying as much as I was.  It seemed like I was crying at least once a day.  I thought my boyfriend and I were just having problems but it was me trying to deal with my loss.  I wasn’t ready to address the reality that my mom was gone.

I started seeing a doctor and I started taking medicine and they seem to be working great.  Apparently not.  My boyfriend was not able to deal with the stress and unspoken pressure I was putting on him.  He felt like he was all I had left, like I depended on him to keep me happy.  He was having trouble dealing with all the tears and the little fights that were actually about my mom not him.  I lost him.  It is still very raw.

Looking Back
I have absolutely no regrets about what happened with my mom in the past 3 months.  I am dealing with the anger and shock stages right now.  I hate that I allowed my mom to control so much of my life.  I hate that she put so much pressure on me about my weight, grades, friends, and social decisions.  I hate that I live to please other because I spent my life making decisions that would please my mom.  The only thing I regret right now is putting pressure on my boyfriend.  I love him for supporting me and giving me the courage to move on from the controlling woman my mother was.

Moving Forward
I am very lucky to have the support system that I have.  My friends are amazing.
Everyday I tell myself that I am strong.  I am confident.  I will be ok.  I am beautiful.  I am independent.  I am amazing.  I will be ok.

I am going to get settled in at my new job.  I am going to take everything one day at a time instead of thinking way into the future.  I am going to control the things that I can control.  I am going to control my reactions.  I am going to control my emotions.  I will be ok!

As it stands now I am working on accepting that my mom is not and will not be a part of my life.  So far it is going pretty well.  I know she is still a human and still alive but the relationship I thought we had is dead.  It is gone forever.  Maybe someday she will wonder back into my life but I will have all the control.  I will control when it happens and if it happens.  I will control what I tell her.  I will be in charge. 


  1. Our mothers have some similarities. One thing that I had to learn was to stop playing her critical voice in my head all day, if that makes sense. Instead of living my life to please her and trying to have everything up to her standards, I finally realized that I didn't have to be perfect, and I didn't need to listen to her voice. I needed to learn to listen to my own. Keep working at it. You can do it.

  2. The hardest thing for me was accepting that even if we reconnected, our relationship would never be the same and that is like a little death.

  3. You are a strong person to come so far. I agree with anonymous, and I understand that with my own father, to stop playing the critical voice in your head. I still struggle with that. I hope you can work through your issues with your boyfriend and you two can get back together. Give yourself some time though and don't be too hard on yourself. Just try to focus on how far you've come, the improvements you've made,and how strong you are to overcome your mother's controlling ways.

  4. I hope you give yourself the time to relish, really roll around and truly enjoy the freedom you have gained. There's so much pain, so much negative self chatter, when you listen to a self-absorbed parent; but the freedom, the cutting ties, the opportunities that await you, as your new authentic and independent amazing. I congratulate you for your courage, for your strength, and for your willingness to love and be your own person.
    You can only go up from here...big, big hugs.

  5. Wow! Even though this post is old, it was a great read me for and very interesting. I have the same issues with my mom & my girl friends / boyfriends. I am in a huge mess now and their being in my head all the time (especially my mom) helped me make bad choices.
    This was my final straw. I hope I feel better one day and can be normal again, but this mess has really hurt me.
    I don't feel bad at all for cutting them off and having almost no communication. It has made a very small piece of me feel relieved.

  6. I wish I could find out what happened to her further. This was very inspirational for me as I'm going through the decision to cut contact with my NPD father. It is very hard to consider because I keep telling myself that my situation isn't as bad as others. Thank you for sharing this!