Read Fresh Wounds, Part 1: "I allowed her to control me too much..."
And Fresh Wounds, Part 2: "I was making choices for myself."
Not talking to my mom had a really negative effect on me. I did not even know it was happening at first. I was falling into a depression. I was grieving the loss of my mother, and my best friend. She was dead to me. We were not speaking at all for the first time in my life. I can not remember a time we went more then 24 hours without speaking. I was now pushing 2...3 months. It was really hard on me. There were little things everyday that reminded me of her. It was hard not to pick up the phone and call her and just talk like we used to. I did not want to do that though because I was talking to a lie. I missed talking to my mom that was my best friend but in reality that never existed. Every time I talked to my mom I realized she had a motive or a plan. But I was still grieving. A lot.
This lead to fights with my boyfriend. I would get angry over the dumbest things. He wouldn’t put his dish in the dish washer and I would end up crying. I should not have been crying as much as I was. It seemed like I was crying at least once a day. I thought my boyfriend and I were just having problems but it was me trying to deal with my loss. I wasn’t ready to address the reality that my mom was gone.
I started seeing a doctor and I started taking medicine and they seem to be working great. Apparently not. My boyfriend was not able to deal with the stress and unspoken pressure I was putting on him. He felt like he was all I had left, like I depended on him to keep me happy. He was having trouble dealing with all the tears and the little fights that were actually about my mom not him. I lost him. It is still very raw.
I have absolutely no regrets about what happened with my mom in the past 3 months. I am dealing with the anger and shock stages right now. I hate that I allowed my mom to control so much of my life. I hate that she put so much pressure on me about my weight, grades, friends, and social decisions. I hate that I live to please other because I spent my life making decisions that would please my mom. The only thing I regret right now is putting pressure on my boyfriend. I love him for supporting me and giving me the courage to move on from the controlling woman my mother was.
I am very lucky to have the support system that I have. My friends are amazing.
Everyday I tell myself that I am strong. I am confident. I will be ok. I am beautiful. I am independent. I am amazing. I will be ok.
I am going to get settled in at my new job. I am going to take everything one day at a time instead of thinking way into the future. I am going to control the things that I can control. I am going to control my reactions. I am going to control my emotions. I will be ok!
As it stands now I am working on accepting that my mom is not and will not be a part of my life. So far it is going pretty well. I know she is still a human and still alive but the relationship I thought we had is dead. It is gone forever. Maybe someday she will wonder back into my life but I will have all the control. I will control when it happens and if it happens. I will control what I tell her. I will be in charge.