How many of you out there have chosen to separate yourselves from one or both of your parents because of the way they treated you?That was the question I asked on Twitter. I was blown away by the responses. There were about 20 people who spoke up and shared a little of their stories with me, out of about 400 followers. I was surprised at how common this issue seemed to be. Then I asked a similar question on Facebook, this time asking people to email me their stories, not sure what I would do with them yet.
Here are some of the things people have shared:
Thank you for your curiosity and openness to this subject many find taboo.
Part of me thinks is it easier to just tell people your mom died than to say you just don’t speak to her.
A person can only be hurt so much before enough is enough.
[My father] made my life miserable and then threatened my kids.
I'm teaching my parents a lesson. I do plan on getting back in touch, but not until they've had a long time to realize that they need us more than we need them.
It's heartbreaking and it's not an easy choice to make. So much baggage goes along with it. People understand divorce more than they do cutting ties with parents.Many people also shared how they have felt so alone going through this process. Some have people making them feel guilty about their decisions. All this made me wonder: If this is taboo, why is that? Why do we give people a hard time about cutting ties with parents? Do we as a society feel that a person owes her parents something, no matter how badly they have treated her? If this is such a common issue, why aren't we talking about it more?
After reading through the stories I received, I have decided to start this blog, to give people a place to give and get support from others who are dealing with similar issues. The posts will be stories from (mostly anonymous) readers, who want to share their experiences. It will be a supportive, empowering, compassionate place.
No one should feel forced to endure mistreatment or abuse from anyone else, even (especially) a parent. A person who chooses to be parent-free is not "running away" from problems, but rather running toward a better, happier life. I'm hoping it will help people to see just how many others are going through this, or have gone through it and feel at peace with their decisions.
I'm also hoping that the connection between this blog and the my original one, Demand EUPHORIA, will be very clear. So far, I have not heard one person say anything like this:
I don't speak to my parents anymore because they were too supportive and respectful of my freedom.
I don't speak to my parents anymore because they didn't meddle with my life enough.
I don't speak to my parents anymore because they treated me too kindly.You get the idea.
Read, reflect, offer support. Share your story if you think it might help you or someone else. See the sidebar on the right side of this blog for details.
thank you, thank you, thank you for this blog!! Oh how I've grieved over not having my dad in my life anymore since last November. The guilt, shame that has gone with it. But also the freedom from fear that his abusive, bullying ways will no longer affect me or my sons.
ReplyDeleteThank you for starting this blog!!! I'm one of those people who chose to separate from one of my parents. It's been over two years now and my life is so much better for it!
ReplyDeleteThank you for this blog. I started crying when reading some of the stories. I know now that I'm not alone and separating from my family is not the end of the world. I will share my story soon.
ReplyDeleteIt took me about 15 years to detach myself from my father after he sexually assaulted my best friend. So much guilt, so much pain, so much stuffing the feelings away until they explode.
ReplyDeleteSometimes the only thing you can do is to cut the ties, and then there's the judgment from others. "Why aren't you inviting your father for Xmas? Why don't you go see him more? Why aren't you visiting him in the nursing home?" I've lost count of the times I've been abused for severing contact. But it was the right and only thing to do.
And it's not like you can explain to everyone who judges you that 'Oh, my dad's a rapist', is it? Good luck and good healing to all of you, I know where you're at.
i am on both ends of this spectrum, i have two kids who barely speak to me from a brainwashing and visciuos poisonous ex wife, absolutely heartbreaking.. and two parents that are divorced for 36 yrs and dificult for two completely diferent reasons, my dad is self centered and we have no father son bond. my mother wow.. where to start,? overall extremely abusive since i was young both physically but also very much verbally..... the things she has said to me, and the ways she has sabatoged so many things in my life is absolutely astounding.. as a father who loves his kids even in a strained situation. i cant imagine the thought of doing any of these things to my kids.. and lie and hide behind a false delusion. what a ironic life i live.. thank god for being my rock and a wonderful woman beside me who completely sees it and understands & is suportive... the world is in very troubled times. god bless..
ReplyDeletePeople who have to make this difficult decision should never be made to feel so alone. That would be to continue the abuse but with themselves as the perpetrator, for all abuse requires that the child feel isolated. It is not shameful and you are not alone.
ReplyDeleteIt has been about seven years since I have made the conscious decision to severe ties with my Father; and this decision was made for the wellbeing of myself in love, not hate. Thank you for having a blog like this because if I did not come across information regarding this issue seven years ago; I may have continued a relationship with my Father because I would have felt like I was doing something wrong. I encourage anyone who has a toxic parent that is so toxic it is impossible to come up with a healthy resolution to distance yourself away from them. Since I cut ties with my Father; slowly but surely I have been repairing my self-esteem. In short, I have been making much better choices for myself that are constructive not destructive. Society as a whole is society --- but it is through the courage and awakening of individuals who experience these circumstances that bridge together the gap in empathy and understanding. I know my abuser is in deep pain, etc... I have compassion and empathy for him, but I do not condone or accept his behavior and I do not choose to be around negative people and circumstances that are deeply hurtful to me. I deserve the good in life. I did not have the choice as a child, but I do as an adult.
ReplyDeleteso true. i've never had a single person support me in wanting to be free from emotional abuse and manipulation. it's always, "that's your mother, she gave birth to you, you wouldn't be here if it wasn't for her.. etc. etc. etc." she disguises the abuse so well that everyone we know thinks its me who's crazy, mean, or a terrible daughter. I'm tired of letting her make me feel like the dirt under her shoes when I know i'm a selfless, caring, good-hearted person who only ever wanted a mother.... a real mother.. for as long as i can remember. i'm about to cut the ties for good because for once, i'm going to trust in my own heart and disregard the people who judge me and don't understand. I never wanted to do this, but I'm finally doing it because I deserve to finally tunnel my way out from years and years of emotional abuse and find happiness. not only for me but for my future kids. so i can be a real mother to them. because in a weird way my mother did teach me how to be a good parent... she taught me what not to ever do to my kids. so this is where the story turns around and i flip how she treated me into something much better for the future generations of my family. thank you for this website and to everyone who knows what its like to be shunned for making one of the hardest decisions but also one of the most necessary for the sake of our sanity and happiness.
ReplyDeleteThank you for this post. I have only a few weeks ago come to the conclusion that I do not want my father to be a part of my life anymore. When I see him it only leads to negativity an stress in my life. He is only a father in blood, a concept that the friends I have talked to just don't understand. "But he's your father" is thrown around so often. It makes it so much harder and you doubt yourself and feel guilty when you shouldn't. No one should endure a relationship thAt is just negative regardless of whether they are family or not.
ReplyDeleteso how does one add an entry on here without using Google? i have one narcissistic parent and another who is either co-dependent or narcissistic as well. and I am highly conscious of not exhibiting narcissistic behavior with my kids, but probably less like given that both my parents are probably narcissistic. i do tend to attract other narcissists so I must be well trained as a victim but have started to figure it out in recent years - and I'm nearly 50 - so for those who are much younger - get out - get out NOW! Dont waste any time - you'll feel vastly better soon I promise you. Myself I tell me kids to stand up to me when I am exhibiting poor behavior and they do. although I am beginning to think my wife is narcissistic: she's controlling, jealous, possessive, emotionally manipulative, etc ... my response is to fight back because there is absolutely no way I would leave my kids with her - in effect i have to make the best of it. at least i have so far managed to cut my parents out of my life and there is far more peace and far less mayhem
ReplyDeleteI am also going through this stage of thinking that i want to cut ties .
ReplyDeletemy boyfriend and i are planning to move out soon and im planning to cut ties with my parents . They are seperated but the hostility , violence and negativity is still there .
my dad has been violent since my mum left, his negative , harsh and nothing ive done to try and get help for him as been good enough . my mother on the other hand just makes me feel guilty and tell me that if something happens to him while i leave it would be my fault .
so i have taken the decision that i will cut them out when i get my house . i chose peace of mind over trying to make other people happy . i have decided to put my own needs in front of anyone else's.
I'm from a middle eastern country, and in the Arab world, the idea of "moving out" alone is taboo, everyone is supposed to live with their parents until they get married or forever even after marriage, and the house gets passed down to the new family and so on. That being said, I've been a son of a mentally and sometimes "extremely physical" abusive father. I'm 22 now. And I ran away from home when I was 21. It sounds funny right? A "21 year old runaway" instead of a 21 years old who moved out. As I said before, moving out is not a choice where I come from. I've seeked help from other family members who back then ( when I was living at home) treated me as a son of their own, they helped me a lot in the past. But once I made that choice of moving out, they cut me off of their lives and tried to explain how sinful and unacceptable my decision was. ( no matter what he does hes still your father, you need to keep quiet until you get married and move out) .I've been homeless for 8 months because ( I shouldn't move out until I'm married) and I've called them from public phones many times telling them of how hard it is to live on the streets, they all have big houses and many unused parts that they can offer me and never have to look at me again, they all have the ability to help. But all I hear is ( I'm not helping you until you go back to your family) as stupid as that sounds they believe it from the bottom of their hearts.i have a job and I used to live in an apartment but I couldn't keep up with the rent. And I was homeless once again only this time I moved back, and I can't tell you how defeated and broken I feel, he's still the same shi**y father. And he feels great because ( he wins). I can't sleep at night and I'm planning to move out again tonight.
ReplyDeleteI hope you have found a place to stay. Peace.
ReplyDeleteIt has taken me so long to finally stand up to my parents. I am almost 50 years old and when I am away from my family I feel confident and good about myself, yet the minute I am with them, they make me feel horrible. It was hard for me because their abuse was not blatant. I had a good childhood, was not beat, but I was always made to feel invalidated. Any feelings or thoughts I had were always met with "you are so sensitive," "you are being ridiculous," "why are you making such a big deal out of nothing," "you must be getting your period" - that was always a good one, but the worst was "oh you are upset since you didn't get your Wonka bar" - my parents loved to use the movie Willie Wonka and the Chocolate Factory to make a point that I was just being a brat if I was upset about something. Never once was I was to feel that what I felt or thought was okay, which led to me being an adult who doubts every emotion I have. If someone angers me, I get angry, but then think I'm wrong for feeling this way. My parents as they get older are becoming worse. They are narcissistic and believe that only their way is the right way. I have bowed to this pressure but enough is enough. After a long time, I realize that I am just as important as anyone else. My feelings count. You don't have to agree with me, but you have to accept and acknowledge them. I tried to have this discussion with my mother, yet it turned into a screaming match and even as I literally yelled for her to validate my feelings, she still wouldn't hear me. I can't live with the constant strain of having to do things their way and stifle my feelings. It's hard because I know in their mind they still don't get it and I am the bad person. This confrontation only happened yesterday, and when I got up this morning I expected to have feelings of guilt, yet I felt a lightness in my body. I said what I was feeling and naturally my mother didn't like it, but for the first time in my life, I don't care. My feelings matter and I am just sorry that it took me so long to stand up for myself.
ReplyDeleteInsidious abuse over your entire life accumulates. Happiness is a GOD given right. Nobody should take that from you. At 50y/o you only have so long in this earth. Pursue happiness, is the only right you have. You did your best, and you did it long enough. Signed by someone with a similar story but with put downs and physical abuse on top of that. Blood does not mean anything ask Jesus, we are all brothers and sisters. Given birth does not give them the right to keep you from happiness.
DeleteI'm a 19 year old Buddhist musician stuck inside a conservative house. I'm playing it slow, once I get my degree or a stable job I'm outta this bitch.
ReplyDeleteI know that it has been a few months since anyone posted on here, but I am hoping someone will read. To be honest, I'm too exhausted with the latest interaction with my mother to even read everything has already wrote, though I've read them numerous times before, trying to find the strength to cut ties. Honestly, if she leaves me feeling this empty and drained everytime, isn't it OK to call it quits?
ReplyDeleteIt is more than OK. Your mother should not be draining and exhausting you. You don't owe her anything more than you've given her already. Please, take care of you. <3
DeleteI'm debating cutting off ties with both of my parents. My dad is easy, he has never been there for me and is the most absent father ever, but cutting off with my mother hurts me. She always says "we can't be together or separated", and the truth is I don't think we're any good to each other. I love her so much and is not that I hate her but I feel like we're toxic to each other. She'll move on, I know she will and I might too in a couple of years. Another thing though is that I have little siblings but they're all 5 and under so I'm sure they'll forget. P.S. I'm a 19 year old college student and I live on an apartment in college
ReplyDeleteI admire the strength and courage of all those who have posted above. I feel ungrateful even considering cutting of ties with my parents when I have no real reason to complain, particularly in comparison with others who have endured years of neglect and suffering. My parents have always taken care of us, worked hard to give us the best of everything whilst scrimping on themselves, and love nothing more than having us around. But I cannot breathe around them. I feel trapped and stifled. I can only see their faults. I hate their conservative beliefs, narrow definition of the right way to live and the value they place on society's opinions. And I hate them for not being perfect. Yesterday I told my father I had a panic attack and he had no idea what to say. And when my mum came to speak to me she said the wrong thing, telling me off because she had to go out but can't enjoy herself if she knows I'm not okay. I have depression and I can't tell them. I know they don't and won't understand. I am plagued with guilt and fear on so many levels and all I can think about is packing up and running away to another country, cutting off ties with everyone I know. I've burned so many bridges anyway. So many people hate me and think ill of me. And I've earned it. I hate me. My parents love me so much but I don't want it any more.
ReplyDeleteits very difficult thing to do; but I am at the crossroads here; guilt and grievance but also perhaps a chance to heal, if possible
ReplyDeleteGoing no-contact with your parents can be one the hardest things to do. But eventually you learn that you're better off and you would have always been better off without them. After I went NC with my mom for a few months (my father has been dead for many years), I realized I needed to go NC with my entire family. Now I still take care of my ailing narcissistic mother, but I have greatly distanced myself and my family from her (even though we live a block away). It's still not easy, and if she wasn't sick, I'd probably be completely no-contact with her. So anyone is? I applaud you. You're doing the right thing :)
ReplyDeleteDoes anyone still look at this ? I see myself as the ‘21 year old runaway’ too. I haven’t left yet, it feels so hard thinking about it, especially leaving my dad and sisters behind, but my mother is incredibly psychologically and emotional abusive to all of us. 50% that comes out of her mouth is insults and screams. For nothing. We do nothing wrong, we’re good kids. We don’t party, we study and stay home. All day. Cause we’re not allowed to go out. Yet she treats us like some hooligans and like trash. Ranging from pHysical abusive as young children for doing things kids do... to screaming vile insult to our face like saying we’re horrible ungrateful pieces of garbage and no one will ever love us to ignoring and treating one of us like we never existenced for up to weeks now, for ‘talking back to her’ mind you she considers anything and everything talking back. She doesn’t even see us as our own people. She considers us as more of her property. I’m the 3 years I’ve dated my bf, I’ve been allowed in 2 solo dates. 2. The rest of them I have to bring my whole family. I’m 21. I’m also afraid. My mom can be very violent if we don’t act or say the right thing. She doesn’t want us to ever move out. She said so herself. I’m afraid. Do I just say I’m moving out ? I’m afraid she’ll do something to hurt me. Do I just leave overnight ? I’d feel so incredibly guilty. And it’s not like there Werner’s a few good times right ? I feel guilty about those few times the most. Still afraid, And I have to have contact eventually ? My sisters and dad would still be with her. I don’t know what to do. I have 2 older sibling and my younger sister but none of them have moved out. For the same reason. I’d be the first. And I’m scared and afraid especially that she’ll do something bad. Plus I just need to get off my chest and tell her how horrible she is and she’s not the great mother she tells everyone she is. I want her to know. But I’m so afraid.
ReplyDelete