Saturday, November 30, 2013

"Narcissists make deplorably bad parents..."

From a person who wishes to remain anonymous:

The purpose of writing my personal story is to clarify that narcissists make deplorably bad parents and hopefully my story would shed some light on the hidden pain and silent suffering of biological children of narcissistic parents. Eventually check up narcissistic personality disorder for more information of the disorder itself.
 
I am a 24 years old female born and raised in Europe by Pakistani parents. I am a HSP(highly sensitive person) while my mother is a full-blown narcissist and my father the perfect enabler.

First time I considered committing suicide was at the age of 6, because I felt unwanted and unloved. My mother was obsessed with controlling every single aspect of me: opinions were attributed to me long before I was old enough to even have them, I was forced to wear the Islamic headscarf and the traditional Pakistani shalwar kameez at the age of 7 so that she could receive praise from the Pakistani community - although she knew that my appearance would make me an outsider at school. One of the worst things I could do was to smile on a day she was in bad mood – then she would beat me up and swear at me to ensure that I felt as miserable as she did. Sometimes when she had a bad day, she would suddenly call me in and begin beating me up, just to feel better. 

Once at the age of 9 I had made the terrible mistake of showing interest in a hairstyle which she disliked and as a punishment I was publicly humiliated for several weeks until I broke down in tears, begging her to stop. She perceived me as an extension of herself rather then another individual. She would always compete with me and my siblings: if my father kissed me and my sibling’s goodnight, she would be standing outraged at the door with the words: ‘you always kiss THESE bastards, but you never kiss ME!’’ and as a result my father stopped kissing us goodnight. It was always like she perceived her small children as her ‘’peers’’ to compete with for attention and love. In top of all that, parentification took place: Shortly after my 8 years old birthday my mother delegated all household chores to me including cleaning and cooking and declared that from now I was responsible for pampering her, to look after her emotional well-being and happiness, comforting her when she was upset and protect her from danger, and she would constantly remind me that I failed to meet these responsibilities of mine. 

She would frequently play us children against each other which created hatred and resentment among us, and until this day we don’t have any real relationship. My mother always called me in third person and never by my name, she would every second day remind me of how much she hated me, that I was a burden and that she regretted not having opted for an abortion, that she wished me death and that I was ugly and stupid. When I was bullied at the local mosque (which she forced me to join) she would immediately take the side of the bullies although she didn’t even knew them. No matter how good grades I got at school or how much I tried to please her, she was never satisfied and absolutely nothing was ever good enough for her.
When I reached puberty at the age of 12, I (for the first time) insisted on wearing shoes of my own choice instead of those which she had picked for me, and that made her declare me for being the black sheep of the family. I got beaten unconscious with a cricket bat, but when even that didn’t made me wear the shoes of her choice, she came up with a gun to kill me. Fortunately, the police intervened, and I was removed to an orphanage by the child protection service.

My father was the perfect enabler. He witnessed what his wife did to his children, but he never intervened. If we complained to him about her, he would always take her side and claim that we were the one ‘’provoking" her. It always seemed to me as he was a mental slave of her.

In the orphanage I removed my Islamic headscarf and found great relief in finally being able to look and dress like other children. At the age of 18 I got a job, bought my own apartment, finished college as an excellent student and began studying at a prestigious university. Although I was now free and successful, the damage my mother had done to me began showing its effects: I suffered from constant self doubt, felt insecure, and found huge difficulties in trusting myself. As I was from birth trained by a narcissistic mother to have no needs and to be a people pleaser, I became an easy prey for a criminal female psychopath who ruthlessly exploited me, which increased my mental problems further. I also suffered from a constant guilt without knowing why, and the guilt lead me to visit my mother once in a while, and every time found her devastated for not being able to have power and control over me anymore. The solution, according to her, was that I moved back into her house, which I politely refused every time and every time she would in response begin crying hysterically blaming me for being selfish and arrogant by not caring for her enough and by spoiling her reputation by being western dressed.

She would also play victim in front of her friends, and they would frequently blame me for not honoring my mother. Later when I experienced a series of unbearable anxiety and panic attacks , as well as showing complex post traumatic stress disorder symptoms and paranoia, I was forced to search for answers, and finally learned about personality disorders, and realized that my mother was a narcissist. After receiving a degree in Bachelor of arts I thought that finally my mother(who is uneducated) would realize my worth so I decided to make a last attempt to reconcile with her: I offered her forgiveness for all what she had done to me, if she would just admit that it was wrong of her to attempt murdering me when I was 12. That made her roll with her eyes with claims of me being ‘’oversensitive’’ and that I was the real villain for having spoiled her reputation as I had allowed the police to intervene when she ran after me with a gun. Then I changed the subject and asked her if she was proud of me now when am doing a Master of Arts at a prestigious university. In response my mother said that she had nothing to be proud of as it was a mystery to her how I got admission at the university to begin with as I was the stupidest person she had ever known, and thus she was absolutely sure that I had received my degrees by providing sexual favors to my teachers. I broke down in tears and begged her to stop her horrible accusations, while she had this smirk on her face in satisfaction over having ‘’put me on my place’’. When I heartbroken left her home that day, I suddenly realized that she would never change, and her emotional blackmail would never come to an end. When I reached my place, I texted her a message asking her not to even dare contacting me anymore as I from now on didn’t wanted to have anything to do with her. 

Today – several month later - I am still fighting anxiety, paranoia and depression but by cutting both my parents and their useful idiots completely out of my life, I have taken the most important step towards healing.

12 comments:

  1. Good for you for cutting them out of your life. You are very well educated and I am very proud of you. You survived hell. I can't image the life you had to endure at such a young age. Please get in contact with a qualified therapist who knows about NPD, I think you might need it in order to heal further. Also please take care of yourself, it wasn't an accident that you are here on this earth, that you are alive. You are meant to do great things, you are meant to help people who were in situations like you. You were meant to help me and save my life, because my mom is a narcissist and I grew up in a Muslim home. Always remember that Narcissists need to feed off of pain. Think of it as a drug. They get high off of causing pain because they are dead inside and feel nothing but self-loathing. Thank you so much for sharing. You are my hero.

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    1. I am the author of the article and just wanted to say thank you so much for your support and kindness, it is people with big hearts like you that gives me faith in humanity. You are absolutely right about narcissists, and my goal is also to help others with narcissistic family members and create more awareness of NPD, and I would never be able to do it if it wasn't for your encouragement and support. Lots of love and hugs to you from here!!

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  2. OMG ! The exact things happened to me, word to word ! I can relate everything and feel the never ending pain. Cut them off permanently and go no contact. There is no cure for this mental illness. Research everything about NPD and avoid other people with same traits.

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    1. It's not a mental illness. no not at all.
      narcissism is a PERSONALITY illness.
      it is what is meant by saying that some-
      is one is "sick", meaning, their heart of
      hearts (and not physically as in some-
      one with high/low blood pressure, or
      prone to heart attacks) is SICK meant
      as in disturbing; disgusting. there is
      "no cure" because there is no WILL-
      INGNESS to cure. realistically as w/
      any disease there IS a cure. peace

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  3. Good on you... Realisation is very important. I am 37 now and I am a scapegoat in the family. Even my mum (narcissist) was using the chopping knife to chase me (as I was so naughty to make her mad), my father did nothing - and I was injured.

    Keep on your hard work!!!

    Long term fighting with Narissisits in your life is unavoidable. Even now, I have 4 of them very close to me 24/7. Struggling with my own power to confront those type of people dragging me into depression / wanting to commit suicide.

    As a HSP / Indigo Adult, I believe I am a strong warrior to fight for this life time.

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    Replies
    1. Thanks for sharing. I also think most people get an encounter with a narcissist at least once in their lifetime, however as an adult you have a choice and can choose to always walk away from a narcissistic acquaintance, but children DON'T have a choice and narcissists know that very well which is the reason behind why narcissist tend to abuse their own children the most. I really hope that you have gone no-contact with your narcissistic mother as well. Lots of hugs from here!

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  4. Hi, Salam :). Wow how nice to FINALLY meet other Muslimas in this situation :)

    Wow I am VERY proud of your achievement and al Hamdu li Lah you didn't let all
    of this ruin your life or even so much as halt you at all!!! Well as for me I was not
    so lucky although I am VERY lucky now al Hamdu li Lah. For me such parents as
    there caused me to not accept Islam at all under their influence. I tried EVERYTHING
    else like hypnosis, massages, and even detox retreats, yoga, and much much more.
    In the end, I wanted TRUTH and al Hamdu li Lah I found it which is indeed Islam :-).
    No one is lucky as me and as horrid as it was I am kinda proud that I went through
    it and found Islam. I am honored God chose me to give Islam to despite I rejected
    it as presented by these people. I am so so lucky though not nearly as successful
    as you sis :). So thank you for the INSPIRATION I am gobbling it up ! :)...peace...

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  5. This is great news. Good for you. :) Hate that you had to experience such trauma though.

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  6. W. salam sister just wanted to say thank you for your support and alhamdulillah for you finding your way to Islam, Muslims like you make me proud as well al-hamdulillah :) But unfortunately narcissists tend to abuse religion by faking being religious in order to get admiration and attention from the religious community(Narcissistic supply). May God save us from narcissists and may you always be blessed:)

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  7. I have been in the same situation as you, my "mother" was doing the same thing to us. I have two brothers that she completely emasculated and destroyed. I was born and raised in France I moved to the US when I was in my early 20s. Even with that distance, she still had influence in my life. I finally cut her off in 2013 after a horrible conversation. Like you I finally got it. She will never change. I feel so much better now and I'm surrounded by wonderful people. I have leaned to recognize toxic people. I can spot them a mile away. I have good boundaries now. I'm so glad you got away from her. I'm proud of you for going to school getting an education. The truth is that she was jealous of you. She knew that you'd never be someone like her. It's her loss. No one has the right to treat you badly. Continue to be kind to yourself. God bless you sweetheart...Consider yourself warmly hugged sister :) You are loved,“ You is kind. You is smart. You is important.”

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  8. Your story has brought me to tears. On the positive side you are free, im very proad and happy for you and i pray that Allah gives you all the peace you truly deserve sister, Allah got you out of that hell.
    As for your mother no doabt her actions WILL be questioned on the day of judgement and she will have to answer for what she has done to you.
    Islam is a religion of peace and love, never ever think it was your fault ,some parents justify their abuse and curses by using Islam its unfortunate but its happening.
    Once again sister you are not alone, Allah loves you, remember Allah and the Prophet (SAW) and heal and trust yourself.
    Jazakhaallah khair my
    May Allah relieve everyones difficulties inshaallah

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  9. Hi,
    Congratulation on your achievement! :)
    As a child, being the sensitive one, I remember making suicide attempts many times. Both my parents are narcissistic and so is my elder sister and they created an ugly atmosphere at home as they would fight often and then my mother would cry and talk ill about my father and I had the responsibility of wiping away her tears. It was an endless drama and continues even today. My parents had isolated me socially from everyone with a lot of brainwashing and even I suffered a lot mentally because of the stress and low self-esteem that they had caused in me. However, someone helped me out through this. I owe my happiness to this wonderful person who expects nothing from me in return. My good wishes to you and to anyone who has undergone this. God bless you! :)

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